Strike unto my soul

Righhht. This probably deserves an explanation

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 15:11:42 GMT

I am returned about 8 days earlier than I planned, due to the good natured comments of one Amy :). So yes, about 4 days after I last updated (Which was months ago, Jesus) I got a job. Not just any job, a well paying job. £100 a shift good. The only problem? They were night shifts. Heavy night shifts. And while the job was undemanding and allowed me to use MSN when i wasn't busy, I couldn't use the internet at all. So mostly I was leaving at 8pm and getting back home a about 5am then sleeping till twelve before getting up. This didn't leave me alot of time to update and the crappy updates I did do were all in the deadjournal I have because me and my friends were using it to keep track of each other at the time. But I didn't really like using DJ too much for general journal stuff as it was written for a different group of friends so there was stuff I just couldn't really say there. So it was my intention to start using lj again to coincide with my switching to day shifts during weekends and also with the beginning of the new school year, as its nice just to be able to bitch about stuff without repurcussion!

So, garbled explanation aside, heres what you need to know about me at the moment:

1) I am getting my GCSE results tomorrow. I need 6 Bs to get into school for the next two years. I am, reasonably I like to think, slightly worried.

2)I am quasi-single. Which is the technical way of saying, no one involved is exactly sure.

3)I am going away this weekend to a music festival. It shall be very muddy and every year about 2-3 people get trampled to death. It'll be lots of fun. I have a pirate flag and lots of junk food to amuse myself with.

4)I still suck.

The rest really isn't worth knowing :)

Sorry

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 18:43:44 GMT

Man I haven't updated in a while. Guess I've just been to busy and torn up inside to notice (like anyone reads this anyway ^_^). Oh well, theres alot to say so I'm just gonna say it. Firstly (that being in this post) i thought I'd talk about today.

It was actually really excellent. We (being three others and I) went up to London, despite engineering works practically immobiling half the trains in the area. We just went round all the music shops and I got myself a lovely rare Soundgarden CD, ^_^ yum.

Afterwards we went down to Sound Controlwhere I saw some really tasty looking instuments and even got to play a £1000 guitar (one of the variex ones that mimics the sound of like 12 other guitars XD). Thats when things got really wierd, because this radio journalist just appeared and asked me and one of the others what we thought about Kurt Cobain. Twas a rather odd conversation and i hope to hear it again tomorrow when it is broadcast. There was other stuff but its ahrdly important enough to be mentioned here.

On a somewhat unrealted note I stumbled across this today. For thos of you who haven't seen it before, it reads just like a continuation to FLCL (if you have been lucky enough in the first place to see or read that), right down to the artwork and colour. the story is excellent and is best decribed as walking the line of lunacy and reality on very high stilts. I could even empathise with some of the situations facing the characters, much to my eternal horror and confusement, the very predicament indeed ^_^ .Go and enjoy it now, and give the man responsible for this very professional piece the attention he deserves. Love to you all

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 21:14:52 GMT

Well fuck me with a wooden spoon.

Heart of Gold

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 19:11:16 GMT

Really really crap day. Can't talk, mum's in hospitol again, I'm basically on my own. So if your gonna be negative you can just fuck off.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 22:11:52 GMT

Life turns right round alot. As of now it appears i have a chest infection and that speaking is gonna be hard for a while. ter-fucking-rific

Oh My Fucking Days!

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 20:46:26 GMT

Lots to say, little time to say it in. Some good, some bad, some just really messed up and crazy stuff.

First off I'm going to the reading festival this year. I payed my £115 pounds just now and now all I have to do is wait for the insanity to drop into my lap. If anyone so much as touches that ticket after it arrives at my house, I swear I'm going to go postal.
Oh and I got 94% in my maths test, take that you sadistic maths Nazi. Speaking of which, said morn gave me a detention today for picking up a bottle. Was I going to throw it? Maybe. At him? Unless he turned into a bin, no. So yeah I laughed, the class laughed then i got my test back and I laughed harder, stupid dead beat.
Oh and I ended up talking with someone I thought I had lost forever today, in fact even as I type. Who knows, maybe I'm not a complete fuck wit. There's hope yet and I'm gonna try and make the most of it.
Thats all I can really realistically offload here without feeling insecure and exposed, so I guess that it for now. Till later.

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 20:14:11 GMT

Oh yeah, I'm happy, the song got the thumbs up as it is and will most likely be included on the band demo tape. Bitching, very bitching! So good news for me, I just hope my other stuff goes down as well as this

A day full of viruses

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 13:58:39 GMT

Mhn, I'm ill today, with a stupid cold thats stopping me breathing, which means I sound liek an idiot when I talk, so I've decided to take the first sick day I've had in years. Theres no one to talk to though, nothing to do.
On a happier note, a strange ut fortunate thing happened to me yesterday. I got an email, which had had that email worm thats currently doing the rounds, the one that activates MyDoom, attached. Well anyway I noticed it immediately and deleted it. However I took the email adress and added it to my msn, to let the person know they had to check their computer. Turns out that the account belonged to a person I knew a long time ago and that we ended up having a really good conversation for an hour or so. Funny how these things work out.

My first stab at semi professional song writing

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 14:47:49 GMT

A short song I wrote for a band I know, who asked for some decent lyrics to make into songs. Why they asked me I'll never know :):

Twelve days now that I stand staring,
An empty statue of a man,
I know you cannot feel my pain,
No you can’t.

Two lives down and seven to waste,
Life’s a gamble with loaded dice,
So come lets live as if we could,
Blissful ignorance of stifling vultures.

The calmness gatherers before the storm,
Twisted mannequins purporting failure,
We could not last against the grievance,
Our corporal frailties bled to stone.

My only wish is that we felt,
That spark of life just one time,
A special bond between two minds,
Stars aligned in strained harmony.

It doesn’t matter if we finish,
I don’t care when we start,
Come Hell, high water or sleep eternal,
You’re still a work of art.

Stuff

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 09:28:01 GMT

Not much to say really. I have a cold, I'm pretty bummed bout something; doubt if I'll work it out any time soon though.

I like this, i like this alot :):

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a	seven (you rock)
your best quality is	people love to be around you
your worst quality is	you deserve better
this is because	Its who you are

Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

A positive step

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 22:10:32 GMT

Today wasn't total suckage, in fact some elements were positively fun, hows about that? I am mostly referring to the games period we had, in which I played in a squash match which was total ownage over any other. Despite being incredibly long as a whole, I also took part in my longest ever rally (15 minutes without a single fuck up from either party). Of course this couldn't have happened without a totally excellent opponent which I had, so as of writing I'm a physical wreck (but loving every second of it)
The crippling depression I felt while talking to or about certain people has subsided to a underlying nauscea, perhaps I might even approach a state resembling humanity soon. Now that would be a real first.
However I can't forget that there are still people I know who are going through an infinitely rougher time than me, I won't name names (even though no one reads this) but you know who you are and all my thoughts are with ye. I'll leave you with a quote, just for kicks.

"Oh brave new world that hath such people in it"-Miranda, Shakespeare's-The Temptest

This has been a favourite of mine for a while now, if only because its remained a constant throughout media to this day. The line, obviously, is a general summary of how radical and seemingly alien our given life is and how isolation from the masses is a constant fear for many. However, for me, the true beauty in this line is in the fact that it has been used so many times. The obvious springs to mind Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World" but there are numerous other examples including books, film and the Iron Maiden song of the same name as the afore mentioned book. Its as relevant today as it was when first penned and I think that bearing this line in mind I feel a little less alone in times of struggle. Meh that turned long all of a sudden didn't it? Oh how I ramble!

Not much to say today...

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 22:41:25 GMT

except that I acted like a complete idiot. I didn't offend anyone, but that doesn't stop me putting my intended point across with all the accuracy and subtle nature of a sack of bricks. So yeah, I'm feeling pretty dumb, and rightly so. My bad I guess, my plan of playing down my emotions round certain people is off to a flying start. If only I acted like this all the time, it wouldn't be quite so aggravating

Cast in the name of good?

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 19:52:23 GMT

Let me warn you warn you now, the first two paragraphs of this entry is a complete nerd rant. Thus let me begin.
When I last visted America, I had the pleasure of watching the first few episodes of 'Big-O' before they hit these European shores. I was impressed, very impressed. It certainly wasn't the best thing ever, but the art direction and story was original, the music simple but strong and teh lip synch more than acceptible. So it was with anticipation that I sat down and watched the first UK episode this evening (its a rarity for me to actually 'watch' television now anyway).
The first thing that bugged me was that the title music had changed. That wasn't so terrible, I wasn't in love with the music anyway. then the thing that really ticked me off, the network had censored the word God in the big robot start up sequence with the word good. Its just irritating. I mean in America, where people of Christian faith are arguably more defensive of their religion (at least in my experience, no offence to any one party) and where there is a reasonably large community of followers of other religions, there is zero problem, zippo. But of course we're all too sensitive for that over here. Meh I hate it when small things piss me off.
As for my day, it sucked, big time. I mean majorly, fantastically, to an extreme that makes me want to jump off a cliff. I woke up very low, but my mood actually got a bit more happy as the day went on, thanks to a couple of things. Then when I came home it all went decidely pear shaped. No sooner had I got in then I was being verbally assaulted by a 'friend', on behalf of an ex, who took extreme pleasure in watching my self esteem drop to about zero. Thanks bitch I needed that. I've got enough to deal with then people like you pissing on my parade.
So now I'm back to square one, feeling like shit, totally alone, no one to talk to, great....

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 20:15:03 GMT

I don't what it is that keeps leading me back to this frame of mind, but I just feel crushingly low again. I guess I know theres some obvious things I have to come to terms with, but theres other stuff too, stuff that I just know is there but can't explain or even begin to sort out. It just sits there gnawing inside of me, making me feel worse and worse and I don't know what I can do about it. It's getting worse as well, I keep feeling it for longer and longer and the more I feel it, the more I feel low.
I keep having these grating memories as well. They are just stupid things, things from when I was younger. But my mind keeps drifting to them and I actually flinch away at the recollection, physically. To a degree I've always had these, but just recently I've been having them more and more frequently. I tried explaining it a couple of nights ago but I don't think I did a particularly good job. Its just different and uncomfortable, like I'm just a step away from reliving the experiences.
Why i'm writing this is beyond me, I guess it's venting. I just feel so shitty and totally isolated and it's totally my fault.

User Pictures

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 15:14:43 GMT

So Yeah, I finally decided to add a user picture for my account. I think it makes it seem a bit more personal. I toyed with the idea of actually putting up one of myself but then I realised I hate the way I look (due to my unsightly ugliness) so I guess thats that. In case anyone's interested, the picture is the cover art for Sigur Ros' third album (). Its an odd CD but well worth a look. There are no titles for any of the songs, some very wierd sections, a 34 second period of silence to signify the dramatic duifference in tone between the two halves of the album. There is one lyric used repeatedly throughout, and it is in a made up language. Very wierd yes, but very cool also. The band have massive breakthrough potential for alternative post rock fans. On a side note the band also wrote half of the Radiohead ballet which is currently about to enter production. Check it out if your interested.

I think I lost my last ounce of spirit last night

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 16:35:04 GMT

To keep things brief, I did a very stupid thing last night and I woke up this morning with the worst headache ever and feeling even lower than I thought was possible yesterday.
I seriously think I'm beginning to come apart over a single person, and the fallout is not pretty. I'm not so sure if its because this person did what they did on Thursday night or that I know now that there is someone I feel so strongly about yet can't help the feeling I am losing them slowly.
Apparently the problem is not me, and I have to say they seem quite sure of this, so thats comforting I suppose. However the fact remains that I feel so incredibly distraught over whats happened that I can barely keep it together. I just hope that whatever problem this person see's in themselves they realise is a pure fantasy and that none of that matters to me. Hopefully things will work out ok, even though they'll never see this in all probability. I just wanted to say something, plus let the world know I'm still here, just about, albeit feeling incredibly damaged and lonely.

People are whores

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 23:46:43 GMT

I know its an obvious statement but its true. People are so often completely outrageous towards others for no good reason, without thought to the consequences. I'm just glad I don't go out of my way to do so. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I'm just apathetic enough to not toy with others emotions for no good reason.

Lent No More

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 21:53:36 GMT

Lent is a time of supposed personal sacrifice for many, for me its just another crappy week where people pretend to try themselves by setting riduculously easy goals then break them anyway. I don't even officially recognise it anyway, due to my lack of spiritual faith.
It is in this spirit that I declare my own period of self reflection, here by known as EPIB (Extended Period of Internalised Belittlement). Amazingly it will begin the same day as lent, and at the start you write down a list of all the things you dislike about yourself then you think about what you wrote and why you did for a whole week. At this point, you should feel either enlightened or suicidal.

Allow me to start-

-I hate my face
-i hate my hair
-I hate the scar on my right hand
-I hate the word I have scarred on my left arm
-I hate the fact I can do so little yet things work out
-I hate the way I limp
-I hate the fact that I always begin to lose weight then people bug me about it
-I hate the fact I can't not get pissed off with religious nuts
-I hate the fact I'm cynical
-I hate the fact that I'm so easily hurt
-I hate the fact that I hurt myself
-I hate the fact I'm so adverse to change
-I hate the fact I couldn't care less about the stupid shit my friends go on about
-I hate the fact I can be so anti-social
-I hate the fact that I rarely get over people
-I hate how I can't bear my family in large groups, if at all
-I hate how I won't accept a compliment
-I hate how I will do endurance tests with friends then end up with swollen hands.
-I hate the sum of my parts
-I hate I just wrote this list

There you go, my initial reaction, inner loathing. I'll keep you posted over the next week. More points to come I suspect

My first annoying test thingy

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 19:35:49 GMT

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	51%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	68%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	59%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	64%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	37%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%

Your Conscious-Surface type is 2w3
Your Unconscious-Overall type is 3w4

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

It appears I am everyone's bitch.

Woo Hoo!

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 20:04:12 GMT

Well today was the last full day of tests I have for my mocks! The day started as craply as i thought it would, with my German writing exam. needless to say I'll be getting a bollucking come next week from the psycho that is my teacher.
Next was, to my ever lasting surprise, the hightlight of my day, comonly known as Maths. The test was pretty simple and I walked away reasonably confident of a good result. English wasn't horrible and I actually ended up enjoying writing my argumentative piece on the growth of the fast food industry.
As I wrote this piece, something kept eatong away at the back of my mind. More specifically, it was the current Mac Donald's catch phrase "i'm lovin' it". Several things about the company's recent turn about bother me more than they possibly should. Firstly the phrase itself is like a optic razor blade, a cutting instrument of bad grammar. I find it incredibly ironic that while promoting this kind of poor English, Mr Men are being given out with happy meals. 'Undo the iliteracy of our modern times kids!' I can hear the clown say 'Wait a minute....'
It wouldn't be nearly so bad if the gesture wasn't so painly contrived. Between the new 'street' language and the new 'Ronald meets black culture' ads being shown in America at the moment, the resturant's (if it can be called that) change in demographic is blatently apparent. I may be alone but I long for the halycon days where Mac Donalds didn't care about 'healthy-eating' and being 'hip'. days, where the crap eaters could eat their crap and know it, not be half deluded by promises of fibre. I hate the place, but at least it stood for something back then, if only for a cheap buck above all other things.

Long Day

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 18:33:00 GMT

Today felt lie an extremely long day. I had a terrible nights sleep yesterday, mostly because I was thinking too much about everything. I got up at 5 in the end. I left at 7 and spent my time inbetween reading and revising for my tests today. Literally as i walked out of the door, my friend who I travel with in the morning rang me (a rarity in itself as he never uses his phone ever) to tell me the trains were all screwed up and we'd be better off getting the bus. So i waited for him to walk to my house before I eventually left to get to school.
First test today was Latin and I walked out happy this time. The only odd thing was that half way through the exam I started to crave a cigarette, even though I don't smoke. It was very odd indeed. The rest of the day as pretty average, excpet the extreme amount of writing involved in my history source paper. that left me shattered.

Just another Sunday evening

Sun, 11 Jan 2004 20:11:54 GMT

The last couple of days have been trying to say the least. Over the last week I've had GCSE mocks, about 3 each day. That's eaten up a lot of my time, so much that I've barely had time to think about my social and romantic lives; until yesterday that is. I went out with some friends to go see 'Master and Commander' and that was pretty good part from the fact that my friend spent all my money on sweets so all I had to get the bus home was twenty pence and some crispy M&Ms. We walked back through the town and we all had a good time I think.
I got up this morning and did my revision for the coming week, so that should be alright hopefully. More importantly I tried to convince my ex that we were worth fighting for. I think she's being pressured by her mother to not have a boyfriend and seems to think its for the best but I just know if she could see how much I loved her, how I'd change anything about me to make it work and how I'd except any terms, we could work past it together. As is talking to her is impossible enough, as reaching her by phone keeps getting more and more difficult. She said she'd text tonight though, so there may be hope yet.
Back at home things are as normal as they ever are. My mum is home from the hospital for the weekend and thats very good, though she has to go back this monday for another week. I should see her come home on the Friday though, as I have both Thursday and Friday off because I don't take art anymore.

Beginning

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 21:23:07 GMT

So this is my first time using Live Journal. I don't really know why I've started now, probably because I'm bored and a little bit emotional. The house is a bit quiet at the moment, mostly because I'm the only one here. I can here the kettle going but I don't remember clearly doing it, I suppose its just one of those things you do without realising.
I can't really think of much to say, othe than my exams have just started and they seem to be going ok so far. I'll have to see how it goes. I have a lie in tomorrow so I'll probably revise a bit more for chemistry then. Right now though i just want to kick back and relax.